nineteen.

last night i went to hear my brother sing
my son came with me
he’s getting so long legged and his jawline is so manly
he has this tiny bump on his nose
it makes him look like an Italian model
i just stare at his green eyes against his tan skin
and wonder how i could ever be sad
with someone like this in my life
but i still am

The man came and met us there
he ordered some wine and drank it while my brother sang
he didn’t flirt with me
we behaved like business friends
i reminded myself i’m not in love with him
i did that cord cutting ceremony in december
so i can’t love him
i’m not as attracted to you anymore, i thought
but when i went to the bathroom
my underwear was damp

that love spell didn’t work
maybe the cord cutting spell
didn’t either.

– FLB

***

i have these black faded jeans
with muted red cherries all over
they unravel a bit
around the ankle
every time they’re washed
i’ve had them since UCLA
since i was twenty
since before i had babies
and they fit different now
cinched too tight against my hip bones
loose in the thigh
shorter as the leg frays
i still squeeze them on
each month or so
testing them
testing me
making sure i can button the fly
and when they fit
i clench onto that time even tighter
when i push my foot through
i sigh with relief
a desperate smile pulling at my lips
as i lie on the bed
close my eyes
and relive him

– LB

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